I've been "MIA" since our vacation. We had a great time, but it was exhausting traveling in a car with 2 toddlers, a teen, and me PMSing half the trip. Then we got back and I got sad. Depression is a hard and crippling thing to deal with, and it hit me full circle upon our arrival home. Happy to be home, but sad at the same time because I feel semi-trapped in Kona. It is expensive to fly off island even to visit my grandma on Oahu. Plus with 2 toddler boys it is near impossible. I am a stay at home momma right now, which I would never give up, but I do go stir crazy...I miss working, making my own money, and not worrying every second if my hubby's paycheck is going to cover our living. I miss being social with people my own age. My hubby is the love of my life, but a good deal older as are his friends. They are stellar people, but we grew up in different times. I miss talking pop culture, music, movies, fashion, etc. with people my own age. I try to get my husband grooving to my hip hop, he tries cause he is a trooper, then begs to listen to Jimi Hendrix or Joe Cocker. I got to spend a little time with my best friend Lolo and her daughter which was fantastic, but sad at the same time because we only see each other once a year. I have found it hard to meet other friends or moms my age here...I worked in a tiny coffee shop when I first moved here, worked alone most of the time, then quit to start school online again for my Masters in Teaching, got pregnant, took time off from school to be a mom, then got pregnant again, thus I am home staring at the walls, muttering numbers and the alphabet to my boys, driving my stepson to and from events weekly, bothering my hubby as he tries to work from home, pretending the ladies on the reality shows I watch are my friends, online shopping with money I shouldn't spend, and then feeling content that I have wonderful kids, a lovely husband, etc., but sad at the same time because I need something else in my life. I love to exercise, but it is hard when the boys need my attention every 5 minutes. I tried to create my own jewelry, but got a bit scared...I am trying again, but since I am such an introvert now I am hesitant where to begin. I tried to get out of the pjs, but most days I still have them on at lunch time, workout in them, and slither into surf shorts and t-shirts for the rest of the day. No make-up, just wrinkles is what is see in the mirror, a crooked smile because I am so in love with my family, but looking good makes you feel good and I look a hot mess a lot. Closet full of cute clothes, but why put them on when I barely leave the house? We are hoping to move in 3 years when the stepson graduates, and embark on a new journey. It is so exciting to think of relocating to somewhere on the Oregon Coast, but difficult as well because I wish it were now. I want to live in the moment, but want and doing are two different things...I generally dream of the future rather than live in the moment. Bad trait I have.
I could throw in the towel and admit defeat, but instead I hope to spend the weekend reflecting, researching and getting out of this funk. I want to try my hands at blogging again, going to order an e-course in it. There even may be friends and money to be made! I want to re-think it all and start over, which I think happens a lot in life and to a lot of bloggers. People change careers all the time, right??? So, for now, my boyz, my hubby and I are going to snuggle in bed together, watch the Wizard of Oz and cartoons, have a little slumber party in our guest house that is temporarily empty and enjoy each other. I will check back on Monday, and give deets on my new site, if anyone is out there???? Please be my friend!!! I am good people. XOXO
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