I don't want all my posts to focus on what clothes I wish I had, but at the same time I don't want all my posts to depress everyone with my personal hardships. We all struggle, and by no means are my problems of the past/present even comparable to all that is occurring around the world to so many helpless and good people. Yet still, I want to find a happy medium in writing. I want to share who I am, and sometimes it is a happy lady that loves pretty clothes. Other times I am a lady who suffers from severe depression and terrible body image. I don't want any girl or boy to ever deal with what I have. Life is too short to live in a haze of sadness, depression and self-loathing.
I just want to share a little bit right now...It is late...And I could write for hours on these hardships I have endured. So for now, here it goes...I don't really ever remember a time I was self-confident or sure of myself. I think since I was quite young I doubted myself. So dumb. People, don't ever doubt yourself! You are your own greatest fan. You are wonderful. Wish I had that knowledge at the age of 8, 10, 14, 17, 20, 30 and so on. I have never had a close relationship with my mother. Her and my dad raised us the best they could, but there were never real peps talk or love shown at home. My mom was young and attractive, two things I never thought about myself. I longed for her to say I was pretty or cute or smart or tell me she loved me. It just didn't happen until it was far too late.
My spiral into a decade long eating disorder began when I was about 21. Yes, a little older than most, but does it really matter? Eating disorder. Still a phrase that I cringe over when I speak about it or write about it. Not me, I am okay. That is what I always thought. And part of me still does believe that the majority of people especially in the United States suffer from some degree of eating disorder or body image problem. Women especially are always encouraged to diet. I believe we should all eat a healthy diet, but I don't think women should go on any extreme eating plan that limits tons of food groups. Eat meat if you choose, but not only meat. Be Vegetarian, Be Vegan, but do it in a healthy way. Don't just eat French fries and Fried Zucchini. Fresh food is good. Whole grains are good. Fruit is good. Veggies are damned good. Even ice cream is good (I eat Coconut Milk Ice Cream), in moderation. Not everyday. Have a healthy relationship with food and exercise...this is when I feel the best. My body and mind and tummy thank me. Why didn't someone tell me this when I was a teen?My family didn't communicate about much. I think I missed out on much talk that might of better prepared me for the world and assisted in gaining a bit of confidence. Instead, my mom told me in my twenties to go on the Atkins Diet. This was good mother/daughter communication? Screw you Atkins Diet. And to a degree screw you mom for making me believe I needed to be on a diet. You were supposed to be a role model.
Instead, I dove head first into that pool of crappy eating habits, secret eating, binging and purging, not eating enough at times, then binging and purging again. Hating myself, hiding at home, messing up friendships and relationships with my instability. Such a shitty cycle. Sorry for foul language, but it is the only way to describe the whole ordeal. shitty! I tried and tried to get better on my own for years. I moved to different states, took different jobs, made new friends and ditched the old...this was how I would be cured. Yeah right. Instead each time the shitty phrase crept back into my life. Eating Disorder. Even after giving birth to two beautiful babies. I still suffer mentally with the aftermath. I loved and hated being pregnant. With my first I lost the weight easy. With Noa it took longer. But I shouldn't complain because I am naturally smaller. So many other mothers have shared with me their personal struggle to lose the baby weight. Gaining way more than I did. But in my messed up head I still suffer from that distorted image of myself. And gaining a lot of weight for someone with an eating disorder is hard. Needing to control food, but also need to nourish your own body and babies. It has been an emotional rollercoaster at times. Thankfully, my husband tells me daily, multiple times in a day how attractive I am to him. He is the greatest, but I still wonder if he is the only one. My boys hug me with true love in their hearts. That should be enough. I think addiction in any form is so crippling for it's prey. And even after getting a grip of it we are still haunted by it's demons. It is a mind game that some days you win and some days you lose. I am winning more days than ever. I will strive each day to eat well and healthy, do some fun type of exercise, and not stress about weight, cellulite, stretch marks and so on. Isn't there a famous phrase out there on letting go of our internal baggage? Too tired to look it up...But I know I got two tons of baggage to get rid of. I was blessed with too great a life to let some "shitty" eating disorder get the better of me.
Sorry for the tangents, ramblings on, etc. It is hard for me to stay completely focused when talking about this subject, but I want others to know that there are people out there that can relate, have been through the struggle and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Love yourself. Don't think you need to look like Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Kate Moss, Coco Rocha or whomever you think is the prettiest and skinniest of them all. In following so many blogs now and in maturing with age I see there is beauty in all shapes and sizes. There is always going to be someone more beautiful out there, but in feeling self-confident you are the real winner. May sound corny, but it is the truth.
