NO MORE DRAMA

I have struggled to have any sort of relationship with my mom forever. I try to move forward, but as my husband says "Mary it's like chasing windmills..." I wish her the best in life, regardless of the toxicity of our relationship, she birthed me and raised me. Still, toxic relationships are not good for us, and sometimes we must know when to say when. Mary J Blige rocks, and her lyrics are so true. My advice for today...any relationship where you struggle constantly, where you feel more stress than happiness, when you are constantly apologizing for no reason just to appease to that negative person...not a good or healthy relationship. Focus on those happy and positive relationships that make you thankful each and everyday. I am so lucky to have a husband that builds me up not tears me down, and in-laws that accept me for who I am and hug and love me when we are together.

I am leaving on vacation for 2 weeks tomorrow, so my posts may be few...I will try and pop in and take lots of pictures to chronicle the fun we are having....woo hoooooo!!!

Sunday and The Gossip...

Love me The Gossip...and love me this song...Been playing this on repeat today, dancing with my babies, cleaning the house, pure joy when the weather is rainy but humid and hot. And by the way...I have been a stay at home momma for over 3 years and am about ready to "get a job"...

Remember? Nicole Richie Rocks!

This few minute series is so funny...Nicole Richie has great style, a booming fashion empire she is building, 2 adorable little kids, a super rockin' dad, and more than that she is just so hilarious. I like that she doesn't take life or herself too seriously...if you need a quick laugh watch this series on AOL called Candidly Nicole...love it!

God Bless Betsey...

My newest guilty pleasure...XOX Betsey Johnson. She almost lost it all, or did she? Now with the help of Steve Madden she is back...70 years old. She freakin' more than rocks. She doesn't follow the fashion world's rules. She drinks a lot, she flirts even more, she is 70 and still rockin' around doing gymnastic with ponytails and glitter and sequins and tutus. She had a creepy boyfriend named Bobby that she thankfully didn't get back together with. He cried I think. She has Brandon who also rocks. She found the fluffer dress. She has a daughter Lulu who unfortunately I don't think rocks...kind of grates on my nerves, but she does has a few funny friends. Betsey even attends couples counseling with her spoiled and bratty adult child. Did I mention that Betsey Johnson rocks? I almost wore Betsey to my own wedding...such a gourgeous dress that even my husband favored, but I didn't have time to get it altered and the the sizing was just off. I still dream of this dress. I wanted to wear Betsey to prom, but it also just wasn't meant to be. One day I will rock Betsey cuz she rocks. Watch this show...

Music for Sunday

I am digging on this posting of music videos on Sundays...good day to reflect on the week and unwind. I love browsing You Tube...This song was on the radio today. Macklemore is a new artist I really enjoy. He has fun songs and beats, but a lot more to him than that. He has meaning in a lot of his songs, even "Thrift Shop"...be unique and stand out. Why spend a lot of money to look like everyone else...I love this thinking. And he hails from Seattle...right near where I grew up. Love Seattle!

 This song "Same Love" makes me tear up. It does...Happy and sad tears...I believe his words whole-heartedly, and wish everyone else did too. I don't ever want to push my beliefs on others because I do believe people should have freedom of their own beliefs. But, I hate prejudice. I hate (a word I also despise using unless to really prove a point) thinking of anyone on the brink of suicide or worse because of something they can't control. I love my husband to death, and I love that we can be married and walk down the streets holding hands in peace. Others cannot...Kids are killing themselves because of this prejudice. I love being in love with my husband, and I believe anyone should be able to feel that same love with whomever they love. And we should respect them and cheer them on because love is hard. It requires work and patience and compassion and caring and so on and so on. Everyone deserves to be who they were born to be. And love whom they were supposed to love.

Naughty me...

I dipped into my vacation spending money to order a few things from Zara. I justify it because they were not super expensive, and most importantly my husband owed me...

 

I cannot believe how fast Zara shipping is. My package is already in Honolulu, and I only ordered the stuff on Wednesday. God bless Zara. I may have a little less to shop with at H and M, but I have been hearing raves about Zara jeans. Plus, the t-shirts I already own from Z are so comfy and I need comfort when trekking from Hawaii to Seattle, plus driving all around Washington and Oregon with 2 toddlers, a hubby and 14 year old stepson. Right?

 

Here are my finds:

 loving this emerald color shirt...

 skinny jeans, will you fit me well???

saw a cool girl on a blog Eat Sleep Wear "wearing" this...I am the family taxi and want to look as cool as the girl in Eat Sleep Wear is...she is super cool though!

 

Happy Weekend...shop or save money, but whatever you do be happy. Life is short, eh?

My boys...

They are demanding. Not quite yet potty trained. Ugh. They sometimes scream and cry and fight with each other. They are picky eaters. But, you know what? I love them more than words can explain, and they make me laugh constantly. As I sit here writing this my Noa is telling me that Elmo is his buddy. All the stress is worth it because children are amazing.

IF ONLY...

Why does it seem that money rules the world. I watch my silly Real Housewives Franchises and bask in all they have, how they look, and moreover how easy their lives seem with a lot of money. Of course each week one of them is going at with someone else, but isn't that how it is when money worries don't exsist??? You just drink and fight and then get botox and shop?! My poor hubby is struggling with family money issues, and my heart breaks for him because he just wants everyone to get along and not let family money and greed ruin them. I try to live simply and quite honestly I don't have much money to spend. I have said before that I hover over the clearance racks at Target for 4, 5, 6 dolla deals. I try to thrift shop, which isn't as fun here in Hawaii...We don't eat out rarely ever, we drive a beat up Rav4, and our house needs endless work done to it internally and externally. But still...we are a happy unit. My hubby and I have 2 beautiful children together, I have a great stepson, we live 10 minutes from the beach. It's all good. But.......come on, we can all dream right? I am a girl, and I think girls especially daydream a lot of what it would be like to be rich...if I had a million dollars. First of all, I would donate a lot of money and time if I was rich. Even now, living on a tight budget, I still always donate to food banks and charities. I wish I could do more, but even a little bit helps. And then...my selfish self is allowed to splurge...new car, botox?, new house....hmmmmm!

 

designer shoes thank you...

 trips to italy whenever...thank you.

 part of the year living in a loft in Brooklyn and watching Nets games with my new friends...sure!

 my own hair stylist, the lovely Ted Gibson...i concur!

 designer gowns just because...

 delicious vegan and raw meals everyday...bring it on.

my own VITAMIX...maybe a few of them. yes.

and the best surf trips for my husband, sons and stepson...good to daydream right?

Santigold (and the show Girls) ROCK...

Music Sunday...I need some pumpin' songs like this for today while I deep clean the house as the sun is shining and bright. Poor me...

These Things Rock...

 Nicole Richie rocks...

 Haters gonna hate, but overalls rock especially in a fashion chic way!

 This Zara necklace is awesome, I mean it rocks...

Noa and Keoni rock...

And yet again, haters gonna hate, but Big Ang rocks. She is hilarious to watch with a heart of gold. Go Mob Wives Season 3...guilty pleasure!

Music for Sunday...

Thought this song was a good one to follow my last post...

Body Image

I don't want all my posts to focus on what clothes I wish I had, but at the same time I don't want all my posts to depress everyone with my personal hardships. We all struggle, and by no means are my problems of the past/present even comparable to all that is occurring around the world to so many helpless and good people. Yet still, I want to find a happy medium in writing. I want to share who I am, and sometimes it is a happy lady that loves pretty clothes. Other times I am a lady who suffers from severe depression and terrible body image. I don't want any girl or boy to ever deal with what I have. Life is too short to live in a haze of sadness, depression and self-loathing.

I just want to share a little bit right now...It is late...And I could write for hours on these hardships I have endured. So for now, here it goes...I don't really ever remember a time I was self-confident or sure of myself. I think since I was quite young I doubted myself. So dumb. People, don't ever doubt yourself! You are your own greatest fan. You are wonderful. Wish I had that knowledge at the age of 8, 10, 14, 17, 20, 30 and so on. I have never had a close relationship with my mother. Her and my dad raised us the best they could, but there were never real peps talk or love shown at home. My mom was young and attractive, two things I never thought about myself. I longed for her to say I was pretty or cute or smart or tell me she loved me. It just didn't happen until it was far too late.

My spiral into a decade long eating disorder began when I was about 21. Yes, a little older than most, but does it really matter? Eating disorder. Still a phrase that I cringe over when I speak about it or write about it. Not me, I am okay. That is what I always thought. And part of me still does believe that the majority of people especially in the United States suffer from some degree of eating disorder or body image problem. Women especially are always encouraged to diet. I believe we should all eat a healthy diet, but I don't think women should go on any extreme eating plan that limits tons of food groups. Eat meat if you choose, but not only meat. Be Vegetarian, Be Vegan, but do it in a healthy way. Don't just eat French fries and Fried Zucchini. Fresh food is good. Whole grains are good. Fruit is good. Veggies are damned good. Even ice cream is good (I eat Coconut Milk Ice Cream), in moderation. Not everyday. Have a healthy relationship with food and exercise...this is when I feel the best. My body and mind and tummy thank me. Why didn't someone tell me this when I was a teen?My family didn't communicate about much. I think I missed out on much talk that might of better prepared me for the world and assisted in gaining a bit of confidence. Instead,  my mom told me in my twenties to go on the Atkins Diet. This was good mother/daughter communication? Screw you Atkins Diet. And to a degree screw you mom for making me believe I needed to be on a diet. You were supposed to be a role model.

Instead, I dove head first into that pool of crappy eating habits, secret eating, binging and purging, not eating enough at times, then binging and purging again. Hating myself, hiding at home, messing up friendships and relationships with my instability. Such a shitty cycle. Sorry for foul language, but it is the only way to describe the whole ordeal. shitty! I tried and tried to get better on my own for years. I moved to different states, took different jobs, made new friends and ditched the old...this was how I would be cured. Yeah right. Instead each time the shitty phrase crept back into my life. Eating Disorder. Even after giving birth to two beautiful babies. I still suffer mentally with the aftermath. I loved and hated being pregnant. With my first I lost the weight easy. With Noa it took longer. But I shouldn't complain because I am naturally smaller. So many other mothers have shared with me their personal struggle to lose the baby weight. Gaining way more than I did. But in my messed up head I still suffer from that distorted image of myself. And gaining a lot of weight for someone with an eating disorder is hard. Needing to control food, but also need to nourish your own body and babies. It has been an emotional rollercoaster at times. Thankfully,  my husband tells me daily, multiple times in a day how attractive I am to him. He is the greatest, but I still wonder if he is the only one. My boys hug me with true love in their hearts. That should be enough. I think addiction in any form is so crippling for it's prey. And even after getting a grip of it we are still haunted by it's demons. It is a mind game that some days you win and some days you lose. I am winning more days than ever. I will strive each day to eat well and healthy, do some fun type of exercise, and not stress about weight, cellulite, stretch marks and so on. Isn't there a famous phrase out there on letting go of our internal baggage? Too tired to look it up...But I know I got two tons of baggage to get rid of. I was blessed with too great a life to let some "shitty" eating disorder get the better of me.

Sorry for the tangents, ramblings on, etc. It is hard for me to stay completely focused when talking about this subject, but I want others to know that there are people out there that can relate, have been through the struggle and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Love yourself. Don't think you need to look like Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Kate Moss, Coco Rocha or whomever you think is the prettiest and skinniest of them all. In following so many blogs now and in maturing with age I see there is beauty in all shapes and sizes. There is always going to be someone more beautiful out there, but in feeling self-confident you are the real winner. May sound corny, but it is the truth.